Posts Tagged ‘ humor ’

Severed Limbs, Missing Flesh, and Dead Seals… Oh Yea! It’s Shark Week Baby!

The 2012 London Olympics has been a fun ride. I really enjoyed the fresh opening ceremony with Mary Poppins battling Lord Valdemort. I watched in awe as Gabby Douglas won her gold medal in gymnastics. It was awesome witnessing history when Michael Phelps broke the all-time record for Olympic medals. I caught the super cocky Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt reaffirm his status as the fastest man in the world.  I followed every detail of the Chinese Badminton scandal and I got a good laugh when that Judo fighter got kicked out for eating pot brownies – which he  claimed to have ingested unknowingly. Right.

In short the #Lympics were awesome.  Merica’ dominated and stole the show (as usual). We took home da golds and let the rest of the world know we failed P.E. cause Merica’ don’t play.

Now let us get onto more important things……such as the start of Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Shark Week is a special time of the year. It’s an opportunity for the different nations to put aside their differences and unify around their shared love of shark-based TV programming. Conflicts and grudges are forgotten and we reconnect with what unites us as humanity – namely the fact that we are all horrified yet fascinated by sharks.

In light of the Summer Olympics and the 25th anniversary of Shark week coming up I think it is important to shed some awareness on the people who overly vamp the world up for these events.  Below you can see the differences and quite possibly even some similarities:

Olympic Fans: Have been preparing and promoting the Summer Olympics since the last Winter Olympics.  Most likely have had Facebook invites to their homes for their friends and families to enjoy veggies together while they watch the curling session.

Shark Week Fans: Besides the people that obviously are working for the marketing team. Shark week fans have no idea when it’s going to start until at least a day and half into the week. And then they act as if they have been waiting for this week ever since…. Wait how long ago was the last shark week? Do we have one every year?

Olympic Fans: Will set their alarms and wake up at 3am just so they can watch the diving match.

Shark Week Fans:  Will watch sharks diving their teeth into people’s throats all the way up until the bar closes and then… Go to bed.  I mean I can TiVo it or rent it when it comes to DVD.

Olympic Fans: Are intellectual human beings.  They actually care about culture and geography.

Shark Week Fans: Not so much into brains as they are into their beer.  But hey, we can at least name off 3 different oceans the sharks have attacked in.

Olympic Fans: Most likely athletes or were athletes at some point or have now just figured out that working out can make you look like you are an athlete thus meaning if you watch the Olympics you will look even more like an athlete.

Shark Week Fans: Hipsters or want to be hipsters.  People who just want to seem like they’re in the ‘know’ with what’s cool these days.  Couples or friends that think it’s cool to dress as a shark and victim for Halloween.

Olympic Fans: Care about team work, playing fair, and dominating China every opportunity they get.

Shark Week Fans: Don’t currr as long as a shark sinks its teeth into some fresh meat.

Ok, so maybe the simularities were a long shot.  What we can conclude with is that the Olympics fans are good wholesome people who care about the world USA dominating the world, and Shark week viewers just want to see more people die in the ocean…

Until next time Stay Fresh My Friends


Honey Badger Don’t Care……… To Play At LSU

Months after proclaiming he was changed, humbled and ready to lead, Honey Badger’s selfishness cost him his LSU career, as Les Miles announced his dismissal at a news conference Friday. LSU dismissed 2011 Heisman Trophy finalist  for violating school and team rules. Mathieu was suspended last year for one game for reportedly using synthetic marijuana but LSU never confirmed the specific reason of the suspension. HB let his team and a fan base down by once again thinking of himself first.

Below you can see how the LSU fans are holding up after hearing their beloved honey badger getting kicked off of LSU. Here’s reactions from the infamous Tigerdroppings forum. Enjoy.

LSU Fan Reactions:

“This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening”


“Mathieu is a fool”  -Michael Dyer

“Who wears the #7 now? maybe Landon Col…… nevermind!”

“Jeepers, I hope that all the academic credits earned by this fine young student/athlete will transfer so that his educational goals remain on track lolz”

“Why? There is a pattern here. Les should be used to players doing whatever they want”

“TM7 transfers to Penn State”

“I made the cutest Honey Badger dress last season and it’s useless now”

“We just cant have nice things”

“This sucks, can someone bring me a gallon of crown and keep me company?”

“I’m jumping out my window. it’s not worth it anymore”

“hes like our own ricky williams”

“honey badger really doesn’t give a shite”

“Well look on the bright side, at least we’re not Penn St.”

“FOR SALE: Honey Badger takes what he wants. T shirt. Cheap”


“Smokers gonna smoke”

“I blame Lane Kiffen. He definitely had something to do with this.”

“Popeye needs his spinach yo”

“Frick drug testing 20 year olds for weed. Weed never hurt anyone. If their was drug testing in 70’s. No one would of played.”“It hurt TM!!! But you are right not doing illegal drugs is a bit much to ask of people”

“My un follow button is going ham”

“Anyone know if it’s too late to get any penn state dbs?”

“It’s like the National Championship all over again”

Here’s a fresh YouTube video I found summarizing life as honey badger.

It is true the honey badger don’t care and takes what he wants, with the exception of staying on the LSU football team and winning National titles.

2012 National Champions

Until next time Stay Fresh My Friends and Roll Tide!

Movies to watch for a fresh Christmas

5 Fresh Christmas Videos you need to watch:

1. National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

This is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. You just can’t beat some hilarity from good ol Chevy Chase. If you are reading this because you have never seen “Christmas Vacation”, stop right now, go to the nearest video store, and rent this fresh classic.

The undisputed gem of the National Lampoon ‘Vacation’ series, the plot can be summed up very simply: idealistic family man Clark Griswold wants to host the perfect old-fashioned fun family Christmas. As all of us idealistic family men have discovered, there is no such thing as a perfect holiday, and that just about sums it up. It has squirrels, crazy relatives, and boss kidnappings. What more could you ask for out of a fresh Christmas hit.


2. Elf

Santa, I know him! This movie totally bonkers: a human baby, aka Buddy the elf, anciently ends up on the north pole and grows up among the elf community that supports Santa Claus before getting sent off to New York.

What’s not to love about Buddy, he eats spaghetti covered in syrup, smarties and pop tarts; he gets drunk in the mail room of his father’s office, and his young half-brother shows him to ask a girl out on a date.


3. Bad Santa

For all of you who can’t quite get into the Christmas spirit, “Bad Santa” is a massive preemptive strike against all of the insufferable sentimentality you might be subjected to this time of the year.

This movie is every bit as entertaining and funny as Elf and Christmas Vacation but  is all about bad intentions. This movie, especially in its powerhouse first half, displays such a commitment to mean-spiritedness that you can’t help but love it.


4. Home Alone

This movie was da when I was growing up a 90’s. It first came out in 1990, and more than a decade later, this movie *still* remains a fresh classic.

The story is simple, really: young Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) gets left at home after his family forgets him on their way to the airport to fly to Paris for Christmas vacation.

And from there, the fun begins. While Kevin is home by himself, two bumbling, nincompoop burglars (known as the “Wet Bandits”), set their sights on Kevin’s house. He figures this out and sets the house up with all sorts of tricks and traps, to out-maneuver these two clowns.


5. How The Grinch Stole Christmas

And last but not least you have a Christmas classic that is always a fresh watch.

It has a green Grinch, Cindy-Who from Whoville, a dog with antlers, and a “You’re a  mean one Mr. Grinch Theme Song”.

It has survived the test of time coming out in 1966. It is a must watch every Christmas for a good laugh. I highly recommend this excellent a holiday classic to everyone, especially all you Dr. Seuss fans who have not seen it. When you watch it prepare for a FTD time.

Merry Christmas and Stay Fresh My Friends!

Ahhhh, the things girls say

I ran across this awesome video today, it pretty much sums up my FF (fresh fiancé). So my fiancé might look a little lot less masculine but this could totally be her.

For those of you not intimately involved in my life I am engaged to pretty much the girliest girl alive (check out her blog). I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard these exact words come out of her mouth.

My favorite one I get daily from FF is, “What’s wrong with my computer?”  Me, “I don’t know, honey; maybe it’s the 600 Pinterest pins you’ve clicked today or the 38 tabs you have open in Google Chrome.”

Anyone who has a girlfriend/wifey can definitely relate to this:

How do I be Fresh? Step 1: Talk Fresh

Here at “Stay Fresh My Friends” you’ll be encountering a variety of foreign terms and vocabulary that have been a) created entirely by me and my friends or b) cribbed from obscure and underappreciated movies. There’s also a healthy dose of fresh jargon thrown around for good measure. Perhaps take a moment to acquaint yourself before delving deeper into the Freshness rabbithole.

fresh – meaning cool, hot, nice or exquisite. Pretty much something awesome. It’s a really good thing.

coo – a shortened more fresher version of the word “cool”. Used when it takes too much effort to pronounce the “l”.

i remember when – an effective insult. also said when one is acting very immature to the point of extreme annoyance, as in how a young person may act when they have their first alcoholic beverage. Taken from from a great comedy “Step Brothers”.

bra – one of your best, freshest friends.

off the chain – da bomb, really good, delightful.

FTD (fresh to death) – a term used to describe something that is so good it is inexplainable.

gucci – a word that means good, great, fine, awesome and ect. Gucci is the ubiquitous word. Acceptable to use on any occasion.

drank – any type of drink, whether its clear drank, purple grape drank, red drank, strawburry drank, etc.

beer thirty – time of day (usually late afternoon to early evening) at which drinking a beer becomes necessary.

hurr – where you at. as in, “i’m over hurr mane”; also, your do. as in, “check on my new hurr do. Dees dreads is sho fly”

mane – if you don’t know what a mane is, you aren’t one and aren’t fresh enough to know

cray cray – so unbelievably close to sheer insanity that one word cannot express the sentiment alone.

go hard – doing something with 100% effort, but requires some unteachable skill. Something a beast of a man does all day everyday.

fire – used to describe something that is the bomb or tight. I personally use it for food that is really delicious.

dope – fly, cool, sweet, the bombdiggity. not to be confused with the illegal substance. S/O to my friend @christiandan5 for this tight definition yo!

jamz – a tune you’re crushing really hard on

As you can see, I do use alot of words that aren’t of the norm. But hey, most of the stuff that comes out of people’s pieholes sounds just as ridiculous, so just go with it, right?

Woo-woo! The pain train’s comin!

“Terrible” Terry Tate, my hero. If you’ve never seen Terry Tate you’re in for a good one. He makes office workers everywhere cringe. Need more productivity in your office? The solution is simple…. Triple T (“Terrible” Terry Tate).  As Terry would say it he’s, “the meanest, baddest, and downright prettiest Office Linebacker around”.

A few catchphrases include “The pain train’s comin'”, “You kill the joe, you make some mo'”, “You can’t cut the cheese wherever you please!”, and “believe that, baby”.

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